Spending your day typing or drawing all day can be hard on your hands. They get tired. The muscles get sore. They stop performing as well. Just like athletes we need to take care of the muscles that we need to be able to perform well. That’s where giving yourself a little hand massage comes in*. As well as being a great remedy for aching hands, it’s also the best way to relax, wind down, and work a little bit of self-care into your day.

It’s something I like to do at the end of my working day before I settle down and get cosy, and it helps signal to my body it’s time to relax and it leaves my hands and wrists feeling soooo happy.

Before I get started, the most important thing to do is to get comfy. In my opinion, all good things start with pyjamas. Then I take off all of my jewellery and slather on some hand lotion to make my skin feel nice and soft and to make it easier to massage my hands. At the minute, I’m loving the Aesop Resurrection Hand Balm It works really well and smells gorgeous, but you can pretty much use any moisturiser or body oil you have to hand.

The first thing I do is I give my hands a bit of a shake out. I let them fall loosely then give them a quick wiggle. I wave my fingers about, as if I’m doing some really over dramatic fake typing. Then I stretch my fingers out as wide as they will go and then ball them into a fist a few times.

I generally work all the way through one hand, then do the other from here on. But if you prefer you can do each stage on both hands then move on. As with anything I ever recommend, do it in whatever way works best for you.

I start by manipulating my wrist. Bending my hand forwards and backwards, holding my palm between the fingers and thumb of my other hand. Then I put my thumb and middle finger in the little gap between my wrist and my hand and wiggle my hand from side to side.

Next, I work my thumb in little circles horizontally across my palm, starting at the top near the join of my index finger. I repeat this across the whole of the palm.

Then, using my thumb I work up my palm in little caterpillar motions up my palm. I place my thumb at the heel of my hand, on the side of my little finger, with the nail pointing towards the finger than scoot it up. I repeat this across the whole of the palm.

After that, I make circular motions, quite firmly, on the drumstick-y bit of my thumb from both sides of my hand using my other thumb and middle finger working my way all around that big muscly bit.

Next, use exactly the same technique working my way up each of my fingers starting at my little finger working my way over to my thumb.

Once I’ve wiggled my way up all of my fingers, I work my way back across, finishing each set of circular motions by pinching and applying a bit of pressure to each of my nails.

I finish my just giving my hand a general rub over, as if I’m washing my hands, then repeat the first shake out motions.

*Obviously, prevention is better than a cure. So, as well as giving yourself these little massages to keep your hand muscles in tip top shape, please please make sure your desk is set up in a way an office HR manager would be proud of. It’s good for you!

A while ago I wrote about dealing with negative self-talk. That spot check process for the way you’re talking to yourself remains relevant and is something I still use. But, since then, I’ve been thinking and reading a lot about it, and I have some more to say on the topic about the root of your inner critic and how to ultimately understand it rather than just battling the negatives as they come up.

The first thing to note is that your inner critic was originally created to try to help and protect you. When you’re little you’re told all sorts of things that you should be to be good, to be liked, just to be accepted. Sometimes those things came as negatives. So, your brain created your inner critic. A little voice to pre-emptively tell you to do things a certain way, a voice that internalised what it thought was necessary for you to be loved. It critiqued your performance. It told you you couldn’t do things before you tried because it was trying to stop you from getting hurt by failing.

It tried to help in a misguided way. But that voice doesn’t know when to stop.

The more you listened to it, the bolder it became, the more right it thought it was. Until it got to the stage where it wasn’t just giving you little nudges it was kicking you when you were already down.

Or at least that’s my voice.

When I started to think of my inner critic as something shaped by the environment I grew up in, as something that started by trying to help, it was much easier to understand why it said certain things. For example, my inner critic is at its worst if I make a mistake in front of people, especially if I was meant to know what I was doing e.g. if I’m cooking a meal, or leading the way on a walk. When I was at school, because I was supposed to be clever, my making a mistake was seen as a much bigger deal (we’re talking laughter, I think someone once cheered when I didn’t win something academic) than me getting something right. So, the most shameful thing my inner critic can think of me doing is showing another person that I get things wrong. So, that’s when it’s at its meanest.

But I’m allowed to get things wrong. That’s what I would want to say to my younger self: “you’re allowed to get things wrong, what’s important is that you’re learning and trying”.

I can’t stop the fact that it feels awful to get something wrong. But when my inner critic turns it into a spiral of shame and negativity, I’m aware enough to be able to say to it “I hear you. I know why you’ve said that. I understand. But it’s actually okay now. I’m going to keep going”

As well as having the potential to be really mean, your inner critic also has the power to be really sneaky. Inner critics can either make the bits of ourselves we’re most uncomfortable the focus of our attention or it can try and make them disappear. Sometimes these disappeared qualities, are referred to as being disowned, which I think is just the right level of emotive.

To find your disowned selves, try thinking about someone you really personally don’t like, the person who you tear down in your mind and makes you feel self-righteous and superior. I know that person exists. What is it that you specifically judge about them? Are they arrogant? Are they greedy? Do they always flake? Do you think they’re super needy? Ugh you would never do that right?!

Eh probably not, quite often the biggest flaws we see in someone else’s character are the flaws we’re most frightened of having. We’ve hidden them. Disowned them.

This works the other way too. Who do you admire most? Who’s on a pedestal they could never fall from? Are they loyal, or caring, or hard working, or smart, or just plain good? So much so that you could never be as good, you could never be like them. But you could be, and you probably are.

You are neither as high and mighty or as lacking, as you think you are.

We’re all probably much more complex than we give ourselves credit for. We also have to learn to accept the fact that we’re not without flaws.

The most powerful tool you have to work with your inner critic and disarm it, is to understand why it’s saying what it is and to understand and accept all of yourself, even the embarrassing bits. This is also the hardest thing to do, so please give me all of your tips.

Personally, I think it’s impossible to get rid of your inner critic, as much as certain self-help books and articles might have you believe otherwise. You’re always going to have moments where you wish you’d done better, said something smarter, or at least not something quite so silly. That’s actually a good thing. It’s so important to be aware of your own shortcomings. If you don’t know about them how can you work on them?

But there’s a difference between critiquing your own performance constructively or at least understanding it constructively, and just beating yourself up. And there’s a difference between always listening to that voice and letting it control you, and hearing it but letting that sound wash over you most of the time.

But that’s easier said than done.

But I’m working on it.

If this is a topic you’re interested in, or if you just generally like a bit of a pep talk I can highly recommend Brené Brown’s 99u talk from a while ago. Her honesty and advice is really refreshing, and it’s what got me back into trying to work with rather than against my inner critic. A lot of what I’ve been reading is also really well summarised in this article.

How’s your relationship with your inner critic?