27

This is the first year I haven’t felt ready to be a year older for as long as I can remember. I looked back through the last few years of writing my personal annual reflection and in each one I seemed ready and excited for the year to come. 

But this year instead of feeling eager to grow up and out, I’m feeling cautious and unsure. I’m not quite as overjoyed as I am in this photo by the brilliant Sian, from back when we could meet friends. I’m not sure if it’s because 27 is starting to feel like a more grown up number or because the last year has been so uncertain that it’s got into my bones.

I considered scrapping this birthday post. Personal updates like these get filed under the largely unshareable and likely only read by 2 people category. Rightly so, it’s a few hundred words of navel gazing. But I know how nice it is to have these records of my years stored somewhere, to be able to look back and see not only where I was but how I was. 

On the cusp of 26 I wrote a manifesto for how I wanted to work. I wanted to create work that was:

• Is critical of existing power structures
• Is accessible and transparent
• Is holistically sustainable
• Is collaborative
• Is a challenge to the boundaries of my understanding

I’ve not stayed as true to that as I think I had hoped I would. Those are big goals. They’re goals I still believe in and want to be part of my practice. But I’ve had to focus a little smaller, not least because of the realignment of everything around COVID-19. 

I have aimed higher within my small goals though. Imagining Future Space is my favourite personal project ever by far and I think it fits the kind of shape I had imagined my work might. It’s critical, accessible, collaborative and an imaginative provocation. It was a personal challenge inspired by a much bigger social challenge. It’s visual but it’s much more than that.

I’m also proud that while I’ve produced less for this space what I’ve made is of a much higher quality. Pieces like my decade in review and my pup’s pep talk comic were more work but more fulfilling, they’re the kind of thing I want to be making not that I feel I should be posting to keep a weird idea of an internet presence alive. Surprisingly, this year has been one of the best for the blog so far in terms of viewers and my newsletter is in triple figures, so perhaps it’s working out for the best. 

Away from the internet, or rather away from this corner of the internet, I’m still working on becoming a better design led researcher and a better service designer. I’ve tried to take on a more leadership role – still not sure how I feel about that. I’ve worked on projects I’m proud of, so much so that I spoke at a conference about them, but I’ve not made specific things I want to hold dear. 

I’ve also learned to run, to weave, to live outside of a giant house share. I’ve built a chatbot on my own. I’ve survived a pandemic so far. I’ve survived my own mental health so far.

This year has been hard, really hard. I know I’m incredibly privileged that what has been hard for me is working from home (not losing my job), wrestling with my mental health (not losing my physical health) and finding a way to keep going in uncertainty (while knowing I have something of a social safety net). But it has been hard and continues to be hard.

It’s hard to look up and out while you’re still in the weeds or the thing, but I trust that as I’m working my way through that I’m growing and when I do look up I’ll be taller and see further. 

Right now though, I want to refocus on what’s around me, on making it the best I can. In some ways that feels like a step back from the lofty ambitions I took into 26, but I know I get the most out of myself and my time when I feel like I’ve shored myself to something solid and I’m building something tangible and challenging.

Natalie